Love actually

It’s a hot, sultry day, I’m sitting droopy eyed watching the wedding crashers with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn. The movie keeps rolling, both of them bedding bridesmaid after bridesmaid and it finally leads up to a cliché scene where Owen ends up falling for one of these maidens and tells her that love is finding your counterpoint in another (cue to roll eyes). There’s tons of movies like the wedding crashers out there, all with hapless souls looking for a good shag or that perfect kiss or a romantic rendezvouz or butterflies and tingly feelings and ultimately true love. Somehow it strikes some weird ass cord in me, maybe because apart from my recent Netflix induced rom-com addiction, many of my classmates from school and college are rushing off to be part of the happily married club and here I was still eating ice cream out of the tub, feeling like a loser in the relationship battlefield, completely de-motivated to find my someone, to make an effort to run a brush through my messy mane, handicapped at flirting and too flippant to care about it.

I wasn’t always like this though, I had my fair share of crushes, almost relationships and surprisingly enough an actual one too. It wasn’t some fling or sad affair, it was a long process of best friends turned to something more. I for one got caught up in the multi million dollar industry of sweet nothings, valentines, hand holding and the like, the kind of love which makes you all weak in the knees, him fawning over the princess that you are sort of thing but then reality hit me, HARD. I think I was blinded by my very lovestruck friends, the gazillion rom-coms I’d watched growing up, prosy Shakespeare and trashy novels with buxom ladies and blue eyed men. After that rude awakening, moping about breaking up and a lot of healing chocolate I became sane enough to realise that THAT wasn’t what I was looking for.

But now that Owen’s saying all this stuff… was I wrong? Had I given up on love too soon? I couldn’t brood for long though, I had a  date with mom and the vegetable vendor down the street so I reluctantly switched off my only chance at having those lovey dovey mushy Netflix moments and went out  with mom. We were still deciding on what curry to cook, when she suddenly did something, she held my hand ( in my family we aren’t very demonstrative so it was rather odd), she looks at me and then tells me that she’s going to miss me when I go off to live own my own and all sorts of weird mother daughter stuff…I sort of zoned out but I recognized a familiar feeling…one that was long gone….one I’d moved on from… the warmth of being loved… and that’s when I realized that I needn’t be sad about being ousted by the happy couples club, that I needn’t wait around for love , that love had always been there in my life…

Love walks in, all glitter and color, love is fuzzy caterpillars, coloring books, hidey holes and little imaginings. Love is with me all day, cooking treats, brushing my hair, kissing my booboos. Love comes in after a hard day’s work, stressed, sweaty and tired, his face lights up when he sees me huddled in a corner with my lego blocks, he sweeps me into his arms, lifts me up and tickles me till I’m all giggles and patiently listens to me as I ramble on about my day. Love laughs, watching me struggle to hold my spoon, in the end splattering peas all over the kitchen floor. Love comes in to read bedtime stories, to kiss me goodnight, to double…maybe tripe check for monsters under my bed and lets me sleep in between them on stormy nights. Love watches over me, as I grow up from being a lisping, stumbling babe to the one who’s brushed and tidy waiting for the school bus, all ready for the big scary world out there…

Love loves me, hates me, hugs me, bugs me, she’s my partner in crime, my worst nemesis, the wiser one, the one whose stuff I steal, the one who I look up to . Love thinks I’m an annoying brat of a sister whom she’s stuck with forever. Love wishes she didn’t have to share her room with me. Love is frustrated when I tag along but she secretly loves that I adore her and eventually …grudgingly shares her cool stuff but inspite of all that love’s an overprotective little goose who’s there for me through the years.

Love morphs into a curly haired person who sits by my side, learning to make her squiggles look like alphabets, love and me trade lunches, make secret codes and promise to be bff’s . We chatter nineteen to the dozen and celebrate a gazillion little moments together- bike rides with no training wheels, the art of talking with our mouths filled with water, figuring out how to win tic tac toe…we have exchanged a million whispers, pinky swears, phone calls and friendship bands, love and me are  like two peas in a pod.

Love is weirder now. Love has shorter hair, broader shoulders, a raspy voice and an inkling of a moustache or so he thinks. Love and me talk a lot,he sheepishly looks away when I catch him looking at me , I giggle, he smiles, sparks fly when our fingers touch. Love loves little puppies and has bad handwriting, love defends me, love finally said he likes me. Love makes me all muddled up in the head, I move away from love and we don’t see each other as much as before…love fades. Love comes again, he has brown eyes now and shaggy hair, love is an artist, he takes me to a different world all together,one filled with music and poetry, love does not know I like him…love fades. Love comes again, he has spiky hair, he’s super tall and is a total badass, always getting into trouble, love does things I’d never dare to, but I know it’ll never be. Love fades…love has his nose buried in books, he’s a total nerd but super hot but love is a bit mean and avoids me altogether…love fades. Love keeps coming again only to leave and then to come back again just like characters from the Vampire Diaries.

Love’s back, this time closer than ever, love knows me, at least the parts of me where I’ll let him in. Love brings with him gentle rains, flowery bowers, little love birds, beautiful rainbows, long walks, unending conversations and a lot of firsts, making me do things I never thought I’d do, bringing out parts of me that I never knew existed. Love is fading though and this time it’s not so easy, love doesn’t want to leave, he’s pushing and pulling me at the same time but love must leave…

Something’s not right here…maybe I wasn’t made for love or love for me. What’s wrong here? Is it me? Everyone around me seems to be blissfully in love, building castles in the air about some fairytale like dreamy life, the kind I find myself running away from…maybe, just maybe I’m enough for myself? Suddenly forever seems scary, forever on my own, with no love in my life.

Fast forward to now…(after a lot of brooding and late night conversations and that much needed mother daughter time) the problem I figured was that I had started seeing love as being all about finding “the one”, my forever, just like everyone else around me but what I forgot along the way is that love has different shades , not just blacks and whites.

Love is here again now, love drops by when I’m upset to get me off my sad ass, love shrieks and screams in glee when I’m happy, love lets me be when I’m moody, love lets me know that I can always depend on love, love knows when I want to go wild and splatter some crazy all around. Love is moonlit nights and rainy days,love is a dozen fuck yous, sorrys ,thank yous , hugs and kisses from my crazy bunch, love is a wagging tail, a dozen dandelions, a good book to curl up with, mumsies yummy cupcakes, daddy’s enormous holdable hand… Some days I’m so sure I see love,but other days I can’t recognize love even if love walks past me. I might not be looking for what your idea of love is but I’m in love with my kind and I like these weird ways in which my kind of love surprises me…



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