Normon Specimen #13 Codename: ‘Slob’

Best friends, forced or otherwise are the greatest, ones who can be complete ass bitches and warm snuggly care bears at the same time, the kind who  hands out free hugs and gets you hip fattening chocolate doughnuts to eat while you cry and drip snot all over their shoulders, ones who treat every awkward fugly card you made for them like it was worth a bag of golden bullions!

I kinda have one of those, picked her up during my awkward freshman year of college. The thing is, she’s creepily like me except for her weirder side. So here’s some stuff you need to know about the other weirdo in my life… (Yea, I said OTHER)

The 7-step guide to figuring out Shinku [AKA Cherry Bomb \m/]:

1) Serial Pooch Smoocher

She LOOOVVESS dogs, and unlike the lame me who loves dogs, she actually has one, Mickey. Mickey’s a Min Pin and is also known as the love of her life. Do you hate dogs? Do dogs hate you? You ain’t got any chance at hitting it off with her. [Awww, don’t be disheartened… Mickey HAATTEES me and good ol’ Shinks hasn’t clawed my eyes out…yet] Mickey’s a fierce protector when his master sleeps, maker of the best puppy dog eyes to get that forbidden piece of chicken, understander [What? That’s not even a word!] (I’ll make it a word if I want to!) As I was saying, UNDERSTANDER of meh days, frenemy of crows, barkest of barks! Like he’s the bark-meister yo! \m/ Yea, he’s the dope (does that even make sense?) [No sense whatsoever… *rolls eyes*]But what I know for sure is that he’s an adorable ball of never ending energy ,he can make you feel better no matter how much of deep shit you’re.

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2) Self- proclaimed singer

Okay fainnneee, she sings AMAAAZING, I’m just using this as an excuse to brag about her and also maybe to invalidate all the other embarrassing stuff that I as a member of the unicorn-pinkyswear-rainbow BFF society shouldn’t be talking about here… She is really good though!!This is her with her ukulele on one of those typical shitty shorts and oily hair days –

                                       

3) Lizard hater

It’s true… she sees a lizard and screams bloody murder! Something to do with a sad incident that happened when she was five,some lizard fell on her face while she was sleeping and she woke up screaming… [moment of silence…], but because of that, we get to scare the living daylights out of her thanks  to the existence of lizards in every nook and cranny of our hostel rooms.

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4) I HATE her…

As in I HAAAATE her when the sun rises. She has this whole fuck you attitude in the morning and that monster dog [Woah! What ever happened to “adorable ball of energy”?] who won’t let me wake her up even if it means missing out on college, ughhhh, why do I even like her again? [Yea, coz Treas here is the best morning person ever! -_-] (Shut up!) It’s like her unicorn suit comes off in the mornings and she dons this queen bitch costume…

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5) Strictly Vegan (kinda)

My bumbling dodo of a friend is insanely kind. She can’t bear the thought of hurting another living, breathing critter, human or otherwise. That extends to eating meat too, but with certain exceptions, the only meat she allows herself is the chickeny kind. According to her chickens apparently don’t have brains like every other being does and therefore it’s ok to eat chickens. [If that was the case, brainless Blob here would’ve already been eaten] (You’re one to talk -_-) Is there some word for people like her? [Yea… Stupid] Isn’t that some form of racism in the animal world?

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6) Die hard Swiftie

Since the release of Tim Mcgraw, many weird beings have come into existence, beings who would die for one person, Taylor Swift! Sadly my best friend belongs to that species. The kind of person who thinks Eutopia is a planet whose population consists of Taylor Swift, herself and a bunch of rainbow-pooping, glitter-vomiting unicorns who’d dance for eternity to all of TS’s music videos. Like seriously! Every time a new album releases, it sounds like a Banshee died somewhere. [Very true, I’ve been there…O.O]

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7) Lover of stationary

Pencil with a bunny on it? Pens with the ‘super smooth ink flow’ systems attached with a ‘triple axle retraction’ eraser with a puppy on it? Foldable secret ninja killer measurement devices (AKA the scale!) with a poop face on it? Books with a whole lot of graffiti and customised scents and parchment paper with engravings with teeny tiny emoticons on each one? Invent stationary which has amazing functionality and a dash of cuteness, she’ll buy it, she might even kill you for it, she hoards these things up and goes all creepy like Gollum from The Lord Of The Rings… [“My Precious…” *beady little eyes*]

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So that, my folks is all you need to know about  my best friend who will soon abandon and leave me to the dogs who she herself have been training to rip me apart limb to limb. But… before I die… you must see these…

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